I have been a little blue lately. I suppose I need to document it somewhere, and this seems as good a place as any. I think my emotions are finally hitting me. I would have been 21 weeks pregnant today. I probably would be finding out around now if we were going to have a little boy or a girl. I think my emotions are creeping up about this loss because of all the pregnancy announcements I have been hearing lately...all of which would have been due around the same time as me, or shortly after. I found out we were expecting back in July when we were visiting my in-law's in Palmyra. We didn't say anything at the time so we could be sure. In August, we were in Idaho for a family reunion, and to see my nephew come home from his mission. I have never had the opportunity to announce our news when with my entire family before, so we spilled the beans a bit early just because. I was about 7 weeks along at the time. I scheduled my first OB appointment when we came home from Idaho, and went in around 9 1/2 weeks. I had a sonogram at that visit, which showed that we were going to miscarry. I opted to wait to let it run it's course on it's own. It took 2 weeks before anything happened. I was about 11 weeks by then. It was hard, it hurt, but I just made myself be tough and told myself it was for the best, that it wasn't the right time, and that things would work out. I didn't want to tell anyone, because I didn't want a lot of sympathy, and I'm sorry's. I even sorta felt a little bit embarrassed about it. We would have been due at the end of March. We never told any of Tony's family, because we were waiting for a clever way to do so...and then we found out it wasn't going to happen anyway, so we never said anything about it. I felt embarrassed and dumb to have to call my mom and tell her never mind. I usually wait to announce our news once the first trimester is up, but didn't this time and perhaps this is why I feel embarrassed about it. False alarm everyone. We are just kidding. I hated telling the kids they weren't getting a baby anymore. They were so excited. Avery really wants a baby sister. I know we are still meant to have baby #4...it will just have to wait a bit longer. Today I am mourning the loss of what could have been sooner.
Saturday, November 03, 2012
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2 comments:
Oh Kerry, I'm so sorry. I had a miscarriage 3 years ago, and I wasn't as far along as you, but it was still very sad. I don't know what else to say but I feel for you.
I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks and one at nearly 20 weeks (a son, Matthew). The loss of a baby is devastating, no matter how far along you are. It's been two years since we lost our last one and I haven't been able to get pregnant since. Truth be told, I stayed home from church today and cried my eyes out for hours--because it seems everyone I know has been announcing another pregnancy. It's okay to be sad, to cry and to grieve. Don't let anyone tell you how to feel or think. Above all, remember you will get to hold that baby again someday. That child is yours forever!!!
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