LONG WINDED post ahead! Brain dumping going on. Read at your own risk!

Well, it is Spring. And with Spring comes new birth, regrowth, etc. This is exactly how I am feeling these days. I have had a rough year. I say year, but it is more like 9 months. Feels long enough. I have definitely gone through some struggles this year that have made an impact on me as a person, as well as my family. I feel badly about the fact that my home and family life have had to suffer because of my struggles, but it is what it is. I can see that now. It is often hard to see your situation clearly and know the whole of it until you can look back on it, and then you understand completely. Last time I wrote I talked about the feelings I was having because of miscarrying. In and of itself it was very hard emotionally. When you want something, and plan for something then get your hopes up for something that doesn't end up happening, it is difficult to move forward and start new. It was also physically hard. It was painful, it hurt, and it was awful to go through. It wore me out. In February, we found out again that we were expecting. I had registered and was planning on attending the Shelf Reliance (now called Thrive Life) convention in Utah in March. As things went along, I started feeling hesitations about going. I just wasn't feeling like I should go, but didn't know why. I also started to worry that I was going to miscarry again. My symptoms weren't as strong as normal, and some of the tell-tale signs of pregnancy for me weren't happening. I usually develop the world's most sensitive gag reflex, and simply brushing my teeth would make me gag...but not this time. For this reason, my life became consumed with worry and fear and sadness. I didn't want to go to the doctor because I didn't want them to tell me the bad news. I waited until I was about 10 weeks, and kept hoping things would turn out in the end. But my fears were confirmed, and I once again miscarried. The first time, I accepted that these things happen to everybody, it's common, and although sad, it's life. But two times in 6 months? I crumbled. A funny thing had started to happen during this time that I consider a blessing in disguise. Others may not feel the same way, but I can see what it has done for me now. Somehow, I discovered and began watching beauty channels on YouTube. This sounds completely ridiculous when I say it out loud (or write it rather), but I think it kept my head above water. When I had lost interest in most everything else in my daily life...mostly mundane same old same old, like laundry, grocery shopping, cooking meals, cleaning the house,even reading! This was my escape. I had something to find joy in and focus on. Now, don't get me wrong, I have always loved beauty products. I am a lip product junkie and have a strange compulsion to buy and try new lip products. At any given time I can have up to 10 lip products in my purse alone. I grew up in a house with a mother who was an Image Consultant for a cosmetics company called Beauty For All Seasons. I had a whole slew of makeup items at my fingertips on a regular basis, and experimented quite often. I knew my "season", and what colors looked best on me. My Aunt and Grandmother were also involved in this company so I was surrounded. I used to work at Bath & Body Works! I LOVE that store! I also have always enjoyed reading various fashion mgazines especially when they have special issues devoted to the Best in Beauty, etc. I always made lists of products to try, and sometimes purchased some, but that was about all. I have always been a little more frugal minded when it comes to extravagant cosmetic purchases, and so my makeup stash usually consisted of a few simple basics that I used until they were gone, and then replaced. I like to say that I am going through a mid-life crisis. My current obsession is beauty products. I check out the beauty aisles in every store I am in. I am a much more frequent visitor to Sephora,Ulta, and Lush. I have more makeup now than I have probably had in my whole life combined. And yes, I can see how this could become a problem...but I am trying to be careful. I earn a little money on the side from Thrive, so I justify purchases as a treat for myself for my hard work. This month is also my birthday month, and Mother's Day, so I justified some bigger purchases for those reasons, ha ha! My whole point to this rambling is to say that this new obsession of mine has been a really great avenue for boosting my self-esteem, and helping me to remember to focus on me sometimes. Just taking the extra time to have a fun bubble bath, or use a face mask, or try a new eyeshadow combo or hairstyle, is making me feel happier with myself. For so long now I have put my well-being last. I find this is making me take time to take care of me, and while this might sound shallow to some people, it has truly been a huge blessing, and an eye opener for me. Now, if I could just develop an obsession with working out and dieting, and cleaning and organizing my house, I would be set! Baby steps though, right? ** Sorry no pictures...I need to get them off our hard drive. Hoping to keep blogging!I know I always say that.:)