A little melancholy

I have been a little blue lately. I suppose I need to document it somewhere, and this seems as good a place as any. I think my emotions are finally hitting me. I would have been 21 weeks pregnant today. I probably would be finding out around now if we were going to have a little boy or a girl. I think my emotions are creeping up about this loss because of all the pregnancy announcements I have been hearing lately...all of which would have been due around the same time as me, or shortly after. I found out we were expecting back in July when we were visiting my in-law's in Palmyra. We didn't say anything at the time so we could be sure. In August, we were in Idaho for a family reunion, and to see my nephew come home from his mission. I have never had the opportunity to announce our news when with my entire family before, so we spilled the beans a bit early just because. I was about 7 weeks along at the time. I scheduled my first OB appointment when we came home from Idaho, and went in around 9 1/2 weeks. I had a sonogram at that visit, which showed that we were going to miscarry. I opted to wait to let it run it's course on it's own. It took 2 weeks before anything happened. I was about 11 weeks by then. It was hard, it hurt, but I just made myself be tough and told myself it was for the best, that it wasn't the right time, and that things would work out. I didn't want to tell anyone, because I didn't want a lot of sympathy, and I'm sorry's. I even sorta felt a little bit embarrassed about it. We would have been due at the end of March. We never told any of Tony's family, because we were waiting for a clever way to do so...and then we found out it wasn't going to happen anyway, so we never said anything about it. I felt embarrassed and dumb to have to call my mom and tell her never mind. I usually wait to announce our news once the first trimester is up, but didn't this time and perhaps this is why I feel embarrassed about it. False alarm everyone. We are just kidding. I hated telling the kids they weren't getting a baby anymore. They were so excited. Avery really wants a baby sister. I know we are still meant to have baby #4...it will just have to wait a bit longer. Today I am mourning the loss of what could have been sooner.